Tag: love

Fear & Self Loathing…Can it be good?

Posted on by Kelly Asbury

Rock on with your bad self.

Girl Boss.

All that & a bag of chips.

We’re conditioned, encouraged & pretty much expected to look at the bright side of life from an early age. Silver linings, glass half full, you got this even when you’re drowning under the weight of needing to make 77 decisions in a day…its who we are, as humans, as Americans (hearty folk we’re supposed to be) & as this multi-channeled society simply demands of us.

Does all that mean we need to comply?

Work hard, focus, dig deep, believe in yourself, manifest the life you want…all good & grand things. This is foundational. Add in a dash of competition, a sprinkle of wanting to show up that grade school bully or a touch of grit in needing that dream to become reality & its all enough to propel us to new levels.

Heck, Michael’s ,Target & Hobby Lobby are just jammed with slogans & signs to surround you with all the visual positivity you can afford.

Word art, don’t get me started…pinning for another post here cause I have THOUGHTS. This coming from a summer camper who once crafted a wood rendering of…deep breath…”Live, Laugh, Love”.

Why didn’t anyone stop me??

Anywho…while a respectable sense of self worth is absolutely warranted & desired, what happens when the perspective of your value shifts?

Getting into the doldrums of what you’ve perceived as failure is as easy to do as believing that you need every sweet puppy you see. We analyze every detail, most of which others didn’t even know existed. We compare. We contrast. We flog ourselves mentally. We prepare for the worst.

It rarely comes, at least not the in ways we’ve imagined & don’t we always feel a bit silly after the dust settles?

Going through these events is never fun & often not all that necessary. But that conditioning is real so we go into protective mode. “If I give myself enough to worry about now, I will prevent anything requiring worrying down the road.”

So…yeah, fear of the pain of humiliation, loss or of having to start over exists in big ways. Self loathing isn’t a healthy long term option but…it CAN be a driver to getting what you want or a deterrent from making decisions that might put you out there a little more then your current situation truly needs.

Lessons can be learned everywhere. And isn’t accepting said doldrums as growth opportunities a lemons out of lemonade scenario?

Bet Michael’s has a sign for that.

Echos from our Past…or from Yesterday

Posted on by Kelly Asbury

You’ve got a past. I’ve got a past. The guy bagging his groceries next to you at Winco’s got one, too. Like many things in this life, its not what happens to you but rather…what you do with it.

Its easy or at least easy adjacent to shrug off much of what lands on us. Traffic, a rude customer, a sassy teenager or a cold coffee on a morning when you really, really needed a full pick me up…all annoyances to be sure, but not the kinds of experiences that will stick to you for long. Or at least that’s what I tell myself when I’ve regained my sense of decorum after being unceremoniously cut off on the road.

So then, what do you do with the events, words, mistakes, one off never to be repeated successes or abject failures that make up a larger than we’d like slice of our time here?

Obviously, the bigger the experience, the harder it can naturally be to move forward & my hat’s off to anyone dealing with major trauma residue on the daily. Trudging alongside your scars, while still eeking out joy & purpose, y’all rock hardcore. There’s something highly aspirational about those who believe that that life still has meaning when that same life has told them that they’re not always the ones in charge.

Its those times when adversity strikes or when tremendous success occurs that can define us. Take the person who finds serious illness on their doorstep. One may decide to live freely, without regret or concern over perceptions. Another might use the diagnosis to become bitter & to spread that around like seeds in a garden. A lottery winner who gives much of their windfall to their community or to charities is very different from the individual whose personality changes for the worse & who burns through the funds in record time without building anything lasting.

Alike yet dissimilar paths.

On the other hand, we make decisions regularly where outcomes are not guaranteed & despite that, we still go for them. Dating, a daring new hair style, avocados…there’s a 50-50 chance that what we’ve chosen will not end in our favor. Doesn’t mean that we won’t learn something solidly good in the process. Calculated risks, sprinkled with a bit of luck, make the world go round. We’ve all returned to Trader Joe’s for another bag of potentially tasty guacamole to be even when round 1 failed spectacularly because hope springs eternal, yes it does.

Returning to coexisting with the yuck…people do it every day, many without our knowledge of what they’ve endured. Maybe that pain is so deeply personal or felt that it cannot be uttered. Or someone’s decided to internalize so as to keep functioning. Whatever the reason, if its working for them, keep going.

Others prefer to share their woes. Taking control over judgement calls that spiraled that be a powerful way to move out of the darkness. Taking control by publicly owning your part, damn that’s something big.

I suppose the long & short of all of this is…what are you carrying? How has it shaped you, both in positive & not so much ways? Does it define your story? Did you grow from what tried to hold you down?

We are a resilient & hearty breed, which is a marvelous thing, yes it is.

Reinvention…running, conforming or evolving?

Posted on by Kelly Asbury

At any given time, we are smarter than we once were, thinner, rounder, have less cash reserves, are more addled, maybe less concerned about how we’re perceived or just done with the status quo. “Is this all there is?” on that last bit…haunting yet inspiring, right?

Generally considered parts of life, these moments can be irksome, cause for celebration, humbling or rife with opportunities to progress into our next phase, should we choose to pay close enough attention.

Evolution, maturing, moving forward, shedding of one’s troubles…however you slice it, reinvention can be a highly rewarding occurrence. Potentially painful, sure but fulfilling & even exciting in ways that aren’t always fully visible in the moment. “What if?” can move from terror to delight, depending on your mindset.

Because I’m a classic, type A, if I’m doing this I’m going to crush it kind of overthinker, I like to float a few questions when I’m feeling the tides of change hitting my door…

Am I seeking redemption? Is there an experience in the rear view that continues to haunt me? Do I need to show others that I actually know what I’m doing, at least part of the time?

Looking to finally fit in with the so called cool crowd? There isn’t a person alive who doesn’t seek validation from someone they’ve deemed the bastion of the it factor.

Trying to flee unpleasant pieces of the past? Perhaps I didn’t know what to do or say in those moments but I sure as hell do now. Should the opportunity arise, I’ll be ready.

Or its simply time to be the person I’ve always been meant to be? This is the big one, because it indicates, in equal ways, that I may be holding back out of fear of what might happen or that my judgement has been a bit lacking with who or what I’ve allowed in & that has caused a pause in personal progression.

All of these can be true.

So…when we’ve decided to make a change, we’ve already gained ground, regardless of the reason. What isn’t working, isn’t working & its brave to believe that something could be better, different or just fresher than it was. “You mean the daily won’t always be this way?” Wow, just wow.

If you’re wanting to prove to yourself that you’ve still got that elusive it despite all evidence to the contrary, perhaps attempt #972 will be the one. Life is a numbers game, so roll that dice.

If you’re thinking that keeping up with the Joneses or their latest Instagram flaunt of a perfect, curated life will bring you joy, do it. While comparison can be a thief, a bit of competition can be just the motivation one needs to elevate their situation.

If haunted memories take up more time than they ought to, move on out & upward. Tell them to eff off & don’t look back. Remind yourself that you can do anything, because you can.

Or if you’ve always fancied yourself a poet, a gourmet cook, are afraid of karaoke but more afraid of not getting on that stage or you’re just finally ready to be an embracer of life…be.those.people.

Even the tiniest sliver of modification can bring about the most profound of results. Grab that gorgeous leather handbag you’ve been coveting, it will add a spring to your step & a smile to your soul. Always use the same ingredients in your favorite dish? Toss in something spicy & you just might have a revelation. Be your bold self & tell someone what they mean to you. Return to wearing your reliable watch. Take a class. Seek guidance. Realize you’re a lover of hugs & give them freely.

As far as we know we only get a single crack at this thing called life, so whatever are you waiting for?

A Wee Do Over

Posted on by Kelly Asbury

Well, well, well…said with the slow & deliberate drawl of someone who wants to add a dose of both drama & of self deprecation to the opening of what has taken SO long to get fingers to keyboard.

I’m back, you good people, you.

Fun factoid: after many failed attempts at returning to the writing that I love so much, its finally happened, literally a year to the day of my last post.

I was not aware of said date, so how’s about that for cosmic interference?

Initially, I started this blog to express myself, to connect with others & maybe, just maybe, toss something out there that someone would grab onto & say “me, too!”. I had high hopes of growing it to be something y’all might want to begin your morning with or end a long day by, full of relatability & humor & content applicable to whatever you deemed fit.

Like so many other potential endeavors, life got in the way, along with sneaky doses of self doubt, anger towards current events & a new job that has given me such a strong sense of acceptance & creativity that the urge to write was diminished enough for me to back burner this project.

Or so I thought.

Lately, I’ve found that my needs for conversation & artistic pursuits are greater than I believed so here we go again, a wee do over cause those aren’t only reserved for children still learning their way around dodge ball or Red Rover.

In the middle of…

…finding that while I know things, I don’t know ALL the things & if that’s not absolutely delightful, I can’t recognize what is.

…having the energy & desire to put myself out there, even when there’s uncertainty & the potential for folly, misunderstanding or disinterest.

…embracing the challenges of crafting engaging fare that keeps you coming back for more, despite an often scorching case of agonizing brain fog.

With the classic words of a sweet little train, I think I can, I think I can.

As a woman who has seen more than she lets on, I know I can, I know I can.